Dinner Gone Wrong
by ShiroNekoIsMe
Summary: Shinya and Guren dragged Kureto along for dinner because the guy seriously needed a break from work, they thought. But, things started going downhill fast and they soon realized that maybe having dinner together was a bad idea after all..? In which Kureto gets drunk easily, Guren becomes a cannibal? and Shinya is forced to make an unthinkable decision. [Oneshot Crack-fic]


**Hello~ I'm currently taking a break from Syncretism (sorry, the writer's block is hitting me hard for that story) so this is a short GureShinKure Crack fic based on an RP I did with my Tumblr friend, MischievousCupcake! Do check her arts and drawings from her tumblr blog (they're very cute!)**

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Kureto, Shinya and Guren walked into a restaurant they had randomly chosen to spend their evening together while having dinner. Kureto wasn't too fond of the idea of postponing his work to go out with the two airheads but somehow Shinya had successfully talked him into coming along with him and his co-worker Guren to take the evening off. Meanwhile, Guren too, disagreed with the idea of bringing their boss along with them but Shinya thought that Kureto worked way too hard and should learn how to enjoy a relaxing dinner once in a while. Guren only said okay to the idea since he thought their boss would definitely reject their invitation, but his decision immediately backfired on him when Kureto actually agreed to join them in the end.

The three were now seated inside the restaurant after arguing on where to sit for about 5 minutes before they finally took the spot in the middle.

A waitress immediately walked up to the three to take their orders. "Hello and welcome to Le Gargotier! Would you fine young men like to see the menu?" The woman who seemed to be in her early thirties, asked sweetly and ended the sentence with a flirtatious wink.

Guren looked up at the waitress as she spoke and it turned out she had nose hair sticking out of her nose. The ravenhead covered his mouth immediately before he say something rude but his sassy friend Shinya beat him to it. "AHAHAHHAHA! GUREN DID YOU SEE THAT OMG SHE HAS NOSE HAIR!" Guren facedesked right there and then. "uhh...I'll have some chicken nuggets please."

Kureto sat in his place stiffly, watching the unrefined scene unfold before him. He was indeed ashamed of being in his employees' presence to say the least and he immediately regretted coming there with them. As he stood up, Shinya swiftly forced him back on his chair and kept on laughing.

"Oh, c'mon Kureto nii-san, relax. It's just a small joke." He snorted and the waitress's eye twitched in annoyance. Kureto raised an eyebrow at the silver haired man and could see how the waitress was trying her best to keep her cool from the corners of his eyes.

Shinya caught his boss's every movement and smiled innocently at him. "Just order something and try to relax, hm?"

Kureto sat back down properly with a sigh and looked at the menu as it was handed to him. "I'll have, uhm.. what is a duck stuffed by special hands..?"

Shinya ended up bursting out laughing again, obviously thinking about the dish's name in a dirty way. The shortest of the three began hitting Guren's shoulder repeatedly. "GUREN DID YOU HEAR THAT? NII-SAN SAID DUCK STUFFED WITH - "

Guren realized the severity of the situation and swiftly took action before anyone got hurt by none other than the disgruntled Kureto. He had to act fast before his one and only best friend Shinya got turned into a stuffed duck himself. He casually slung his arm around the silver-haired man's shoulders, ceasing his obnoxious laughter.  
"Shinya-kun~ you're on a diet right now, no? Let's get you some wine only. That'd be all, miss." Guren offered an apologetic smile as the waitress strutted away, swinging her bums from left to right in an angry manner.

Kureto glanced over at his two disappointing employees with an unreadable expression on his face, the waitress now gone. He didn't look pleased at all to say the least but he would let their foolish behaviour slide for now. He did told the two that he would take this time to relax and enjoy himself after all, and he was a man of his word. Perhaps too much of a man of his word, he mused.

"Shinya you're unbelievable, making this lowlife stand up for you. I'd be pleased if you stopped making our branch name look like something written in a comic book." He said with a judging glance at the both of them before the waitress arrived with their wine and poured it into separate glasses.

"Maa, maa.. Kureto nii-san you're too uptight~ Didn't I invite you out tonight to have some fun?" Mischievous blue eyes gleamed dangerously, an unsaid threat hanging at the back of his throat. 'Remember nii-san, I know your deepest dark secrets..." Kureto faltered slightly at this.

Guren, eager to rid of the awkward atmosphere, held up his wine glass for a toast.

"To the success of Hiiragis. Kanpai~" Shinya joined in lightheartedly while the grumpy-looking Kureto took the glass and gulped down the wine in one shot.

"W-wait.. isn't Kureto supposed to be a lightweight?!" Guren sweatdropped but Shinya simply chuckled carelessly in response.

"What're you talking about... this is where the fun starts, Guren! Get a camera!"

Kureto grabbed the wine bottle and refilled his glass with wine up to the rim and took another swig. He may not look like it, but he couldn't handle alcohol too well. Most would think that the mighty, stoic Hīragi Kureto could handle anything with ease but when it came to alcohol, there was absolutely no way he could withstand it. Not even a sip.

Kureto glanced over at his silver-haired employee skeptically and raised an eyebrow, obviously listening to their conversation. "..Camera?"

"Oi, Shinya, you sure he's drunk? He looks normal to me, ..and when I said normal, I meant scary as fuck dark lord of the underworld normal." Guren whispered to the silverhead. Shinya laughed, the confident smirk never leaving his face. "I said it's alright, you worrywart. Watch this. 3... 2... 1!" As soon as Shinya counted to one, Kureto's head fell uncharacteristically on top of the table with a loud bang. "See? And check this out. 1.. 2.. 3!" The spiky-haired man magically rose up again, but this time with a happy goofy smile plastered on his tomato red face. "Hic-!"

Shinya slapped his knee hard, failing to contain another explosion of laughter from his mouth. "S-see that? That was amazing! HAHAHA~" Guren said nothing in return but if he had to be honest, he did found the rare sight of a drunk Kureto very amusing.

Kureto felt himself losing his senses to the alcohol as he lift his head from the table, a hiccup escaping his lips as he did so. He sloppily grabbed the wine bottle and brought it directly to his lips instead of refilling the glass and took a long sip before he began gulping down half of the bottle in one go. After that, he slammed the wine bottle on the table and let out a loud satisfied sigh.

"Guren." He said in a serious tone but hiccupped right after. "Let's settle this -hic- once and for ALL~~~" He finished the sentence with a drawl and motioned for the waitress to come over. The drunk man ordered her to bring more wine, staring at Guren with a creepy grin plastered on his face the whole time as he did so.

Guren's violet eyes almost popped out of his head. "What? No!" Getting drunk with the one superior he hated the most? He would rather jump off a cliff into a sea of fire and being pierced with a thousand sharp needles than becoming Kureto's drinking buddy. That showed how much he despised the other man. He hated him with raw passion.

"Heeeh... hic.. I knew it... I KNEW ALL ALONG THAT YOU WERE A CHICKEN GUREN! Yet you ordered chicken nuggets just now? YOU -hic- DAMN CANNIBAL~!" Kureto's slurred almost deliriously as he waved around the wine bottle angrily. "Fucking chicken..!"

Shinya was practically rolling on the floor now, clutching his stomach as he laughed until all oxygen ran out of him. "He called you a chicken... a..and then you became a CANNIBAL WTF?! AHAHAHAHA I CAN'T - "

Guren, ignoring his friend's salty remarks, took a seat in front of the wasted Kureto, eyes burning with determination. "It's on, you fucking drunkard!"

Thus, commenced the drinking contest between the two dark-haired men.

The other customers started whispering with unpleasant looks among themselves as they stared at the three boisterous men and the commotion they made. The three were in fact the loudest, their voices boomed across the whole restaurant and Kureto's sudden outbursts could be heard all the way to the kitchen at the back of the restaurant. To make matters worse, Shinya's raucous laughing had only increased their problem by a ten-fold.

A waitress was now making her way to their table. "Gentlemen could you ple-"  
Kureto shut her right up by interrupting her rudely as he swayed back and forth. "I'M HAVING THE MOST IMPORTANT DUEL OF MY LIFE RIGHT NOW. ONE MORE WORD AND I'LL MAKE A DUCK-FUCKING STUFFED SPECIAL OUT OF YOU." He motioned his hands towards the dish he ordered earlier and pointed the half-emptied wine bottle towards her threateningly. The waitress almost peed her pants and quickly ran to call the police.

As time went on, empty bottles of wine and glasses kept on piling on top of the table where they sat. Shinya was having the time of his life laughing at his colleagues while snapping some embarrassing pictures of them and recording some silly videos every now and then. "This will be such valuable blackmailing material." Blue eyes shone all sinister-like. Guren was as intoxicated as he could get by now, and Kureto wasn't any better. The two redfaced men were continuously insulting one another with childish names while chugging down more of the alcoholic drink, both not wanting to admit defeat first.

"Given up yet, fool? Shouldn't it be lights off for you now, obacchama~?" Guren snickered, a couple of hiccups followed.

"Yeah right, and stop staring at my wife, you pervert. He's mine." Kureto suddenly grabbed Shinya by the waist so that the other man was sitting on his lap,

"Errr? Nii-san?" Shinya abruptly stopped laughing and a blush crept up his fair cheeks.

Guren's drunken eyes quickly turned as wide as they could when Kureto pulled the silver-haired man onto his lap. He smashed the glass bottle to the ground in a fit of anger. "WHAT'S THAT!?" The now furious man stood up and gripped the table hard. "I see you want to get punched in the face that bad, huh!? Come on, stand up and take it like a man, shitty eyebrows!" Guren shouted and rounded the table, now standing not too far from his boss. He grabbed Shinya by the arm and yanked him towards himself, causing the other man to be flung right into his arms. Kureto wasted no time in getting Shinya back and they soon engaged in an arm-pulling wrestle with Shinya in the middle, arms almost torn off with Guren pulling from the right side, Kureto from the left.

"Wait, wait! No fighting guys! And to top it off, you're fighting over me?! That's so fucked up, man!" Shinya tried to intervene between the two men who were physically bigger and stronger than he was. Alas, his lithe body did nothing at all to diffuse the brawl. Guren and Kureto were now grabbing onto each other's collar, giving death stares to each others.

"Look! The police are here, c'mon you two knock it off now!" Shinya argued, his voice laced with irritation as he tried to wriggle his arms out of Kureto and Guren's holds. Clouded minds seemed to become clearer as the two scowling men reluctantly released their grips, but then both of them turned to the silver-haired man, looking dead serious.

"Between the two of us, who do you choose Shinya!?" Both asked in unison.

Shinya was taken aback by the question. Never in his entire life had he expected he would have to choose between the two men at some point of his life. _Screw you guys._ "Uhh... both, I guess? W-wait, I can't compare you two!" The blue-eyed man started off his sentence in an unconvincing tone but ended it with an annoyed and mildly stressed out voice.

Guren roughly shoved his archenemy to the side as he grabbed one of Shinya's thin wrists, "You love me more, don't you..? Nee Shinyaaaa say it~~~"

Kureto, infuriated with the sudden turn of events, yanked Guren's hand away from his adopted brother, almost hurting the silverhead in return. Police officers could be seen barging into the restaurant at this point but Kureto didn't give two shits about it.

"I will li-" Guren took this chance to interrupt the slightly taller man by delivering a punch right to his face and quickly grabbed Shinya under his arm. As soon as he had a proper hold of Shinya he began running out of the building, half of the police squad immediately ran after him. "HEY YOU, STOP RIGHT IN YOUR TRACK THIS INSTANT!" They called after him but it was of no use, Guren kept running for his life because he knew something they didn't...

They had a storm coming.

...and damn right he was. A mad demon-like man was hot on his heels, emanating a murderous aura that could actually kill someone. "Shit, the demon's here... hold on tight to me, Shinya! I'll protect you with my life~ hic!" Thundering footsteps could be heard from behind him.

"WAIIIT RIGHTTTT THEREEE -hic- SHITTY GUREENN! GIMME BACK -hic- MY WIFE!" Kureto bellowed loudly, using that ninja technique to run as fast as the wind and was soon right behind the violet-eyed man.

"What!? No fair you damn cheater! Run like a normal human being, will ya?!" Guren replied in an equally loud voice.

"Shut up! Now hand me my wife back!" Kureto bellowed murderously as he was about to catch up to his soon-to-be-fired employee.

Guren stuck his tongue out childishly in return as he looked back at the furious man. "No way! Come and get us, freak-brows!" He provoked with a triumphed snicker.

The two of them continued their cat and mouse chase followed by a group of policemen behind, keen on apprehending them for disturbing peace.

"...Are they gone now..?" Shinya mysteriously popped out of a trash bin, having to escape horror itself. It turned out that he had secretly switched place with a chicken mascot he had found nearby shortly after Guren eloped with him, carrying him in that ridiculous bridal-styled hold. Remembering the horrific experience irked the slender man to no end.

"Hah, that idiotic drunk didn't even realize that, did he?" Shinya swept the debris off of his dusty pants. He sure as heck learned a valuable lesson tonight.

Never go out on a dinner together with Kureto and Guren at the same time ever again.

 **End~**

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 **Thank for reading and don't forget to rate and review~~~ *smooches* see you guys real soon!**


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